The Guilty Nursing Mom

31 Jul

This post is part of the Breastfeeding Blog Carnival hosted by The Leaky
B@@b. It’s World Breastfeeding Week and the carnival theme is
“Perspectives: Breastfeeding from Every Angle.”  Visit The  Leaky B@@b for
more perspectives on breastfeeding.

 

 I knew before we had our baby that I was going to breastfeed so when our
daughter was born there was no question of how she would be fed. Nursing
proved  to be a challenge in the first 3 weeks as I battle engorgement, sore
and  cracked nipples. We saw a lactation consultant, and with her help and that of my husband, I was on my way to becoming a nursing pro. I nursed my daughter everywhere including while standing in lines at Disney. We had a very strong nursing  bond and nursing seemed to solve all our problems. 

When my daughter turned 18 months, we began trying for another baby and got pregnant immediately. I  wanted to nurse during pregnancy and my midwife approved as long  as I kept myself hydrated and ate well which I did. I nursed for the first 4 months and we were all fine. But by the time I got to five months, I did not want to nurse anymore. My nipples were sore, I hated every moment that I had to nurse. I also noticed I would get very aggressive with my daughter when she would try to  nurse. I soon started to feel very angry at myself for not wanting to nurse her and  was even confused about the intensity of emotions that I was feeling. Pretty soon, I weaned her and replace nursing with reading, singing, rocking and wearing her in the baby carrier. I hoped that we would be able tandem nurse once  the baby was born even though that mean i would have to hear about it from my in-laws.

When our 2nd daughter was born, Ambroisa  would occasionally ask to nurse but I found I was too exhausted to tandem  nurse and by the time I was ready, she had forgotten how to latch. She would  look at me and say mommy, they don’t work. We tried several other times but she completely lost the ability to latch on and would bite me instead. We finally gave up on tandem nursing and for many reason I was  not willing to try to  teach her to nurse. I still find that I am upset at myself for weaning her when I was pregnant even though I knew  it was the right thing to do then. I  feel the guilt of weaning her will haunt my for a very long time.

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2 Responses to “The Guilty Nursing Mom”

  1. Stephanie B. Cornais August 3, 2010 at 12:02 pm #

    I think that when we nurse, whatever feeling we are feeling or thought at the moment is transferred to the baby or at least, 100% perceivable by the child nursing. So what is the point of nursing if you are giving her angry and frustration instead of peace and love. Good job going with your gut!

    • naturalpureessentials August 3, 2010 at 7:30 pm #

      We had such a beautiful nursing relationship that I didn’t want to quit and that’s why I felt so conflicted. I later read that the aggression I felt was normal and is a defensive mechanism to protect and reserve nutrients for the baby not the toddler.

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